UPDATES

3 years later, I came back to this blog and to see how much I've grown, so many little things written in the past
so, updates.
1. Im a houseman now in Kluang, 3rd posting already, still unsure of at to do in the future. Is it just me or most houseman's are like that. Aimlessly waiting for a sign. Anyways, all is good, haven't get extended yet, thank God, and hope it stays the way as it is.

2. Relationsip wise.
Being with this guy for almost 6 years already. How has it become what it is today ?
I thought we are stable, i thought we would reach the end, every time when people asks me about my future, you were always there, when people asks me when are we getting married, I confidently told everyone is just a matter of time. I thought I was in yours too, since when I wasn't in the picture anymore? Why didn't you tell me, why did you let me find out in the hard way ?

I mean, we have been 2 very different person from the start, I'm not into sports a lot, you are not into my small small drama marathons, movie marathons, but we are always ok like that. Since when it became a problem ? How when we both are walking in the same path, but yet i still felt that you are so far apart now.
And i guess the one and only answer is that you stopped loving me anymore. Maybe not much to start with , so today that there's not much to lose from you. Recently when I see you hiding your phone from me, maybe that's a sign. I regretted I checked, I didn't even want to be that person who checks their boyfriends phone, why did you made me someone like that. I never ever ever thought that you would cheat on me, why, I trust you so much.

You may say this is not cheating, but when you start spending more time with other people, when you gave the effort to talk to other girls more than me, when you care about other girls more than me , isn't that cheating already ? and you told me you hoped for an independent girl, whom you don't need to ask whether she had eaten or had she rest enough but you spent time asking other girls this but not your own girlfriend. That, to me, is cheating.

You ask for forgiveness, you said we can try again, but why, what's the point,  the reason of your betrayal is that you are bored of me already and why will this time be any different? I forgave, I let you in again, but the more i thought of it, the more I think I shouldn't , maybe its really the end already, i kept forgiving and forgiving but it will still be the same, what will change? no, you wouldn't change, why will you put effort in something that is already yours?

6 years, and I lost to some stranger, and you put the blame on us.
6 years, how long more do you want me to wait ? How many times more you want me to get hurt? You don't even dare to give me your promise.

Fine.

下次我还要当你孙女 ！

On 19 June 2017 , 6pm in the evening my grandfather passed away due to cardiac arrest.

I don't dare to let myself think. I don't dare to let myself do nothing. Once I settle down, I kept thinking about him. I couldn't believe that this will happen. Yes, he has COPD, but my mom said he was feeling better these days, and I thought, I really thought I could maybe accompany him for anther few more years. And then out of a sudden, this happens. I'm going back in a couple more months, I'm just this close. And today, the Earth has lost another super good man. He's like the best !

And I'm here, I don't know what can I do. I couldn't bear to call my mother because I couldn't bear to see how the funeral is going on. I can go back but I have to wait till Friday which makes everything meaningless already, I might even be a burden to others. How I wish I was there, how I wish i could do something for him. Why did I choose to go so far ? This is not worth three of my grandparents leaving me and I couldn't be there

The last time I saw him was during Christmas where we ate breakfast together. and then my mom said, go take a picture with gong gong, (you know, just in case if anything happens) and shit really do happen. I'm still super in denial state like I really hope all these is not real.

He is the best, he'll ask my mom when am I coming back, when I'll graduate. He thought about me from time to time. Last time when he was still super healthy before STEMI n COPD came, he will bring all of us eat seafood and he remembers that I like eating fish and he will purposely pick the best part for me. I remember when I was younger I used to snatch the remote control from him so that I can watch cartoon. And he's gone now, and he haven't seen my boyfriend, and he wouldn't be able to see my childrens. Why can't good people live forever?

Yes, I'm a soon-to-be doctor. I see patients come and go everyday. Some survived, some did not. But nothing can compare to losing someone who loves you as much as you love them.

Gong gong, I hope you are okay anywhere you are, I really miss you, I love you so much, I hope you are in peace, I don't know where else to talk to you, I don't know what I can do

2017!

I never feel more lost than what I felt now, like seriously. What am I doing with my life ? Not comparing with anybody but ... Why do I feel like I need to force myself to go through everyday ? I thought people should look forward to a new day. I'm always tired and honestly I don't know where to find my strength and passion again. The short break was helpful , it made me realize I'm so lost with my life rn.

My father said, that is because you haven't found your aim in life. Ikr... What's my goal ? My aim ? I don't have an answer for that. Why do I choose medicine in the first place. Because its a field where smart person go to and I want to prove that I'm smart, but now I realized that no I'm not smart or hardworking. OK maybe I'm not as hardworking as some people but at least I tried, at least I give the effort, and then why some other people that literally do nothing can achieve more than you ? They said luck is like an elevator. You will reach your destination faster but stairs will bring you to the same destination but just require more time and effort. The question here is, why can't I take the elevator too , why other people can but u can't ? So depressing right.

Back to my aim in life. Really... I'm not very sure anymore. Maybe because life is too easy for me before this. And then now its like... Yeah... It really feels good being rich but my journey to being rich its like a thousand million miles away and requires hell lot of effort and time. Yeah... It feels good helping people too but there's always people who can't be helped ! How many people can you help ? With the limited knowledge you have and everything , I mean, what can you do ? I don't know, I'm too lazy to want anything.

Yeah... Success feels good but omg how many times do I need to fall to reach my destination.

I don't need a roller coaster ride. I want my life to be peaceful and simple. I understand everyone has their own problem, we just need to suck it up. Alright alright, enough of complaining. Feel slightly better now. Complaining about life made me feel how I took everything for granted , try them 😅

Life is fair because its unfair to everybody.
#word

Heart still aches whenever I see your friends posted about you. I read back our messages today, good thing there is Facebook. But there are so many so many stuffs we used to text each other and honestly I really cannot remember the contents already.

For all the times I said I hated you and I
scolded you and I ask you to leave me alone.
You still came back for me ... You said you felt special about me, you said you are happy I'm in your life. But I felt that I only brought you misery and disappointment.

You said that you will settle down at the age of 27, you said that you wanna see me ever since we departed, and I told you that you could see me soon, after I graduated. And I never ever ever thought we wouldn't meet each other anymore. I remembered the last time I met you I was in a levels and you, you were in a road accident also few days back that time, and you injured your jaw and yet you still accompany me eating McDonalds

I'm glad we are in good terms before you leave I'm glad I had the opportunity to apologize to you

I can never treat you like how you treated me. I can never treat anyone like how you treated me

Thx for being in my life. Thx for everything you gave , you made me feel...

today a good friend of mine passed away,
4pm at the age of 23
I still couldn't believe my eyes when I see the news .

How can this happen ? He haven't done anything bad at all, he is a good guy and yet He take him away so soon.

For all the times I broke your heart, I disappoint you, I took everything you wanted to do for me for granted
For all the times I ignored you, angry of you,
said I'll meet u but didn't
For all the times I think that you are clingy but its just your way to show that you really appreciate our friendship more than anyone .

I wanna apologize for everything I did but its too late . You are no longer here anymore.

I really thought I'll see you soon. I really thought I will see you find a girl you love one day and love you so much in return, I thought one day I'll see you get married and have  kids and live happily ever after and I'll be so happy for you but that day wouldn't come anymore.

I hope u r ok now wherever u r , I hope u r in heaven , I hope u have peace

You will always, always be missed.
Rest in peace.

爷爷，一路好走。

今天爷爷去世，我才发觉，我连一张合影，一张他的照片都没有。

爷爷为人比较凶，固执，所以我们从小都很害怕跟他说话。。。

可是爷爷还真的满疼我，我记得我说要来印尼读书，他很反对很伤心。他说女孩子不必那么厉害，读医生没前途，而且还要去那么远读，如果我事先和他商量，他一定会反对我。每次我回国，和他见面，他都会眼眶泛红跟我说 要好好照顾自己，爷爷没有几年了。。。

每次我听见这个，我都觉得怎么可能，都好好的，我毕业回来后，我就会好好陪你。我毕业回来，我们就可以多点机会聊天。上次回去看到爷爷身体没有很好，可是我都觉得不会有事的啦，怎么可能。。。不会的。

果然，真的婆婆离开了，现在爷爷也离开了，我都不能回去见他们，我都不能陪他们走到最后。我知道就算我在哪儿也改变不了什么，可是我真的很无奈。为什么？ 为什么会这样？

他们说，不用伤心，因为爷爷最近也病的很严重，所以走了也是个解脱。我真的很希望爷爷真的不会在受苦，那么辛苦给病痛缠着。

爷爷，我希望你现在好好的。

To all soon to be drs out there

Just one thing I need to get out of my mouth,
During the follow up session of patients, why can't you do your job properly and ask how's the patient and take the vital signs yourself instead of copying the former status ? Just to get your job done.

I find this very irresponsible, and still some people say it like its he most normal things to do.

I mean, u want to be a doctor but you don't even care how's the patient doing ?? How is that going to work ...
Empathy guys, empathy ...