365 Days

Officially a year now =)
and gratefully still counting ...

you know, I've tried to be as contented as I can be ...
I know my expectations are a little too high,
Come to think of it, maybe not,
and I know I'm not that perfect lady to deserve all this...

But why other people's first year anniversary so damn sweet and mine is like other ordinary day ?
It's like my life is already miserable, it is not as good as other people, can't at least my relationship life is something that people will at least just a little jealous or a little envy ?

Am I asking for too much ?

Maybe I am...
Some people who love each other can't even be together and I get to be with my love one for a year already,
I should feel contented, I should feel grateful... I should feel happy

But right now, no, none of my feelings is grateful, none of it is happy...
Ok, I don't expect like a big bouquet of flowers from you, I don't expect a room filled with chocolates from you but if my anniversary is also like any other day, then why bother celebrate ? why is it so special ? I don't need you to spend money doing all sort of stuff, but just show me you cared ?

Huilin told me a story today...

One day, a couple wants to cross a bridge, the man crosses it first and when the lady wants to cross, she ask if the man can come back to the other side to cross with her because she felt scared,
then the man said if it's ok can u cross by yourself ? So, the woman crosses the bridge filled with a mixture of sad and unwillingness. When she reaches the other end of the bridge, she broke into tears realised that all this while, her man was supporting the bridge so that he can go over the other side safely. So, sometimes, maybe what he gave you is not obvious but no doubt he did many things behind you in order to show his care, his support, his unconditional love.

the moral behind this story, I always knew. I knew he was there whenever I'm sad, I knew although he scolds me and all when I create problems, eventually he will find a way to help me solve things. Just the way he loves me is not how people show their love.

He teases me all the time, literally ALL THE TIME. He laughs at me, mocking me in front of my friends sometimes, and apologizes to me at the end of the day. Everyday it repeats and repeats, I no longer feel that his apology is sincere, it's just a way to resolve my unhappiness and start everything all over again the next day.

I once told him that whatever he did, I will forgive him if he apologizes and I really meant it. But imagine if you listen to the same apology everyday, repeating and repeating, it doesn't sound sincere anymore.

He thinks that teasing is a way of communication, because him and his family , him and his friends communicate in such a way. He thinks it is funny, he think it is okay. It's not funny when people try to humiliate you in public and think it is funny and suppose that you will think it is funny too and laugh along.

But no, I'm not your family nor your friends. I don't need all this humiliating and mocking. What I need is what other couples will do, am I really asking for to much ?

I don't like all this, I don't like people shooting bad words at me, I don't like people arguing with me because I know I couldn't talk as fast as them, I couldn't think as fast as them, and when I get it right, he for sure will find some way to deny his wrong arguments and here comes the mocking part again.

I know you knew I don't like. But what's the point of knowing and doing the same thing again and again.

Ok, end of all these whining and complaining. Whatever it is, I know you love me, I know you had done what you did best to prove that you love me.

I know I'm not perfect too. I forgot our anniversary. I didn't prepare anything for it also (but usually guys do that you know)...

I know I'm a little hot tempered, I get depressed easily, I have all these unrealistic expectations...

I know you love me I really do, I love you too.

What is done is done. Few years from now, I'll just rmb for our anniversary, both of us forgot about it and it was funny somehow realising it and he prepared this weird thailand dessert for me >< hahaha ! I  don't really like it because it has so much of coconut milk... and then yalorh , like that lorh hehe...