下次我还要当你孙女 ！

On 19 June 2017 , 6pm in the evening my grandfather passed away due to cardiac arrest.

I don't dare to let myself think. I don't dare to let myself do nothing. Once I settle down, I kept thinking about him. I couldn't believe that this will happen. Yes, he has COPD, but my mom said he was feeling better these days, and I thought, I really thought I could maybe accompany him for anther few more years. And then out of a sudden, this happens. I'm going back in a couple more months, I'm just this close. And today, the Earth has lost another super good man. He's like the best !

And I'm here, I don't know what can I do. I couldn't bear to call my mother because I couldn't bear to see how the funeral is going on. I can go back but I have to wait till Friday which makes everything meaningless already, I might even be a burden to others. How I wish I was there, how I wish i could do something for him. Why did I choose to go so far ? This is not worth three of my grandparents leaving me and I couldn't be there

The last time I saw him was during Christmas where we ate breakfast together. and then my mom said, go take a picture with gong gong, (you know, just in case if anything happens) and shit really do happen. I'm still super in denial state like I really hope all these is not real.

He is the best, he'll ask my mom when am I coming back, when I'll graduate. He thought about me from time to time. Last time when he was still super healthy before STEMI n COPD came, he will bring all of us eat seafood and he remembers that I like eating fish and he will purposely pick the best part for me. I remember when I was younger I used to snatch the remote control from him so that I can watch cartoon. And he's gone now, and he haven't seen my boyfriend, and he wouldn't be able to see my childrens. Why can't good people live forever?

Yes, I'm a soon-to-be doctor. I see patients come and go everyday. Some survived, some did not. But nothing can compare to losing someone who loves you as much as you love them.

Gong gong, I hope you are okay anywhere you are, I really miss you, I love you so much, I hope you are in peace, I don't know where else to talk to you, I don't know what I can do

2017!

I never feel more lost than what I felt now, like seriously. What am I doing with my life ? Not comparing with anybody but ... Why do I feel like I need to force myself to go through everyday ? I thought people should look forward to a new day. I'm always tired and honestly I don't know where to find my strength and passion again. The short break was helpful , it made me realize I'm so lost with my life rn.

My father said, that is because you haven't found your aim in life. Ikr... What's my goal ? My aim ? I don't have an answer for that. Why do I choose medicine in the first place. Because its a field where smart person go to and I want to prove that I'm smart, but now I realized that no I'm not smart or hardworking. OK maybe I'm not as hardworking as some people but at least I tried, at least I give the effort, and then why some other people that literally do nothing can achieve more than you ? They said luck is like an elevator. You will reach your destination faster but stairs will bring you to the same destination but just require more time and effort. The question here is, why can't I take the elevator too , why other people can but u can't ? So depressing right.

Back to my aim in life. Really... I'm not very sure anymore. Maybe because life is too easy for me before this. And then now its like... Yeah... It really feels good being rich but my journey to being rich its like a thousand million miles away and requires hell lot of effort and time. Yeah... It feels good helping people too but there's always people who can't be helped ! How many people can you help ? With the limited knowledge you have and everything , I mean, what can you do ? I don't know, I'm too lazy to want anything.

Yeah... Success feels good but omg how many times do I need to fall to reach my destination.

I don't need a roller coaster ride. I want my life to be peaceful and simple. I understand everyone has their own problem, we just need to suck it up. Alright alright, enough of complaining. Feel slightly better now. Complaining about life made me feel how I took everything for granted , try them 😅

Life is fair because its unfair to everybody.
#word