Starting of MO - SHIP

 YAY ! Updates 

So, i got transferred back once again to HEBHK on July 2020, 

Continued my final days as HO in surgical, which at first I was really not used to it, because there is little patients only, and not much to do, not as busy as in HSAJB, but it's the familiarity of the wards and people and i felt so happy to work in HEBHK again, like we are used to the system, the way we present to specialist , every small thing that I'm grateful I'm here. Got a good team to work with as well, so as a senior, although the last week is like hell, every single day we have unstable patients collapsing, CPR CPR CPR, seriously, towards the end, my B/L anterior shin is full of bruises ! for when I CPR I climb up the bed, my shin will always be on the railing. Padan muka ! so short mah haha !

Then finally guess where I got for my MO-ship ? Paeds !

ya, who knows that in the end i will choose paeds haha ! But honestly, 2 years of housemanship, my happiest days are in Paeds =) so here we are ...

Working with my ex again in Surgical was seriously hard, I wanna keep it a friendly environment but everything he does i magnify them, every wrong thing, i just get irritated very easily. So, good thing it's only for 1+ months. 

Then you know , recently i met K in the shopping centre one day, with another woman, his previous crush. Funny feeling, upset and angry, angry of myself for caring, but out of no where, one day, this guy don't matter to me anymore. 

Lesson learned: just delete away all the toxic people in your life, they are not worth your time or feeling, you won't lose anything by deleting him. If you don't matter to him, why should he matter to you? Grow up. It's hard but one day when you look back, he's nothing. 

Next, ya, maybe dating is not for me at all. Maybe I'm suitable to like grow old and die alone. I don't know how to trust, to commit in relationships anymore. Colleagues that approach me in the hospital, I really don't mean to lead people onto anything, if you wanna be friends with me, I will be thrilled and welcome, but I cannot bring myself to commit to more than that. 

Previously I was sort of dating a guy that I knew from an app, (why did I use an app is because I'm lonely hahaha). Anyway, it wasn't bad ok,  we were happy at first, he was my type, and supportive, just a little clingy, he is a everything is well planned guy, and on the other hand, I'm more of a spontaneous person, I don't plan anything, I just follow the flow. So, when things got serious, I guess I'm not ready for it after all. So much for being an introvert, i think I'm just an extrovert under an introvert skin haha.

Working with people that approaches you previously is a little awkward, especially when he is your current boss now. When once u meant something, now you are just literally transparent. I don't blame you, really, I don't feel offended as well, I mean, I totally deserve it, but just feeling a little weird. Anyhow, work is work, I know that very well. 

In conclusion, I can't wait to leave this place for good. Things are good but maybe it's time to go home >.< to go back to my harbour. So tired standing alone outside ... 

Almost the end of housemanship

Heyyyyy,
just procastinating from all the studying hahaha
so let's make this blog alive again.

Updates.

So as you all have known, I was assigned for hosuemanship in Kluang for 2 years, and due to the recent COVID Pandemic, my hospital in Kluang has become a Covid centre, hence they are relocating all the housemans to different different hospitals around Johor. So, I've been re-assigned to HSAJB. =)

At first, I was super scared and worried, Kluang has been a real comfort zone for me. Although shit happens , although Kluang is Kluang, although it's far from home, still, people still like me here, I have good collegues and bosses here, staffs are generally nice. So, shifting here is really a big deal for me. Anyhow, to my surprise, things are considerably good.

My new apartment is really cool, I have my own room, with air cond hello hahaha, and i stayed in 24th floor, nice.... not o mentioned fully furnished, and I have 2 great housemates. It's real fun. Plus, in JB, it's a city, they have everything ok. But of course, cost much more la.

Workplace wise, yes, people are nice. But OMG the hospital is quite old to be frank, so hot and stuffy, I'm already sweating standing an hour in the ward.

Anest department here, specialist are nice, they are super helpful and supportive, and teaches you every free moment they have <3.<3, not every place like that okay, MO also super nice la, no seniority what so ever ok, why so different from other postings one hahaha . Learned a lot in a short 3 weeks time. Don't even mind getting extended in this posting because you really learn.

On the other hand, I'm in Surgical posting as the final posting. God. Everyday is like a roller coaster ride. Like when you are not that smart also then people start querying like which poster are you y u so stupid something like that la. ew. Whatever la, pls just let me finish this posting peacefully.

Then the question popped up. Float in Kluang or JB >.< aiyor.... Seriously, I have no reason to go back to Kluang really, that place has nothing I miss of, if in this hospital, of course I'll get to see more, learn more, but then I'll be alone. Although in Kluang, I'll be alone also lah, but at least got my batchmates i guess. In JB, have to start over building connections and some sort. So, in a dilemma here, my heart says 70% JB 30% Kluang hahaha

Sidenote, so fucking annoying i spent so much here hahahhahaha, every week my credit card like few hundered, few hundered. stressssss. XD

Kay, guess next update will be in forever, bye haha

Ehhhh just remembered, relationship wise
still single eh wtf hahahaha
Read back through the posts, we really have gone through a lot. You've recently start asking me out again , ask me to give you another chance, after 1 year.
But my thought is like, no need la, why do we wanna give each other another chance. Doesn't work means doesn't work, plus cheating means ... is it even forgivable ? lol.
Although a little part in me feels extremely guilty for not giving you another chance, after so many years being together maybe yes you deserve a second chance, which made me hate the idea more , because I'm not the one that wronged you but why do I feel like so when I refuse to give you another chance.
Can exes become friends? NO, my answer is NO. Unless you still have hope to be back tgt with him, if not , just delete him out of your life. Because no matter how long it passes, if he is out with another person, there will still be heartbreak, although you don't love him anymore. Sorry, but I'm those that lives on jealousy hahahaha.
Guess that's it.

UPDATES

3 years later, I came back to this blog and to see how much I've grown, so many little things written in the past
so, updates.
1. Im a houseman now in Kluang, 3rd posting already, still unsure of at to do in the future. Is it just me or most houseman's are like that. Aimlessly waiting for a sign. Anyways, all is good, haven't get extended yet, thank God, and hope it stays the way as it is.

2. Relationsip wise.
Being with this guy for almost 6 years already. How has it become what it is today ?
I thought we are stable, i thought we would reach the end, every time when people asks me about my future, you were always there, when people asks me when are we getting married, I confidently told everyone is just a matter of time. I thought I was in yours too, since when I wasn't in the picture anymore? Why didn't you tell me, why did you let me find out in the hard way ?

I mean, we have been 2 very different person from the start, I'm not into sports a lot, you are not into my small small drama marathons, movie marathons, but we are always ok like that. Since when it became a problem ? How when we both are walking in the same path, but yet i still felt that you are so far apart now.
And i guess the one and only answer is that you stopped loving me anymore. Maybe not much to start with , so today that there's not much to lose from you. Recently when I see you hiding your phone from me, maybe that's a sign. I regretted I checked, I didn't even want to be that person who checks their boyfriends phone, why did you made me someone like that. I never ever ever thought that you would cheat on me, why, I trust you so much.

You may say this is not cheating, but when you start spending more time with other people, when you gave the effort to talk to other girls more than me, when you care about other girls more than me , isn't that cheating already ? and you told me you hoped for an independent girl, whom you don't need to ask whether she had eaten or had she rest enough but you spent time asking other girls this but not your own girlfriend. That, to me, is cheating.

You ask for forgiveness, you said we can try again, but why, what's the point,  the reason of your betrayal is that you are bored of me already and why will this time be any different? I forgave, I let you in again, but the more i thought of it, the more I think I shouldn't , maybe its really the end already, i kept forgiving and forgiving but it will still be the same, what will change? no, you wouldn't change, why will you put effort in something that is already yours?

6 years, and I lost to some stranger, and you put the blame on us.
6 years, how long more do you want me to wait ? How many times more you want me to get hurt? You don't even dare to give me your promise.

Fine.

下次我还要当你孙女 ！

On 19 June 2017 , 6pm in the evening my grandfather passed away due to cardiac arrest.

I don't dare to let myself think. I don't dare to let myself do nothing. Once I settle down, I kept thinking about him. I couldn't believe that this will happen. Yes, he has COPD, but my mom said he was feeling better these days, and I thought, I really thought I could maybe accompany him for anther few more years. And then out of a sudden, this happens. I'm going back in a couple more months, I'm just this close. And today, the Earth has lost another super good man. He's like the best !

And I'm here, I don't know what can I do. I couldn't bear to call my mother because I couldn't bear to see how the funeral is going on. I can go back but I have to wait till Friday which makes everything meaningless already, I might even be a burden to others. How I wish I was there, how I wish i could do something for him. Why did I choose to go so far ? This is not worth three of my grandparents leaving me and I couldn't be there

The last time I saw him was during Christmas where we ate breakfast together. and then my mom said, go take a picture with gong gong, (you know, just in case if anything happens) and shit really do happen. I'm still super in denial state like I really hope all these is not real.

He is the best, he'll ask my mom when am I coming back, when I'll graduate. He thought about me from time to time. Last time when he was still super healthy before STEMI n COPD came, he will bring all of us eat seafood and he remembers that I like eating fish and he will purposely pick the best part for me. I remember when I was younger I used to snatch the remote control from him so that I can watch cartoon. And he's gone now, and he haven't seen my boyfriend, and he wouldn't be able to see my childrens. Why can't good people live forever?

Yes, I'm a soon-to-be doctor. I see patients come and go everyday. Some survived, some did not. But nothing can compare to losing someone who loves you as much as you love them.

Gong gong, I hope you are okay anywhere you are, I really miss you, I love you so much, I hope you are in peace, I don't know where else to talk to you, I don't know what I can do

2017!

I never feel more lost than what I felt now, like seriously. What am I doing with my life ? Not comparing with anybody but ... Why do I feel like I need to force myself to go through everyday ? I thought people should look forward to a new day. I'm always tired and honestly I don't know where to find my strength and passion again. The short break was helpful , it made me realize I'm so lost with my life rn.

My father said, that is because you haven't found your aim in life. Ikr... What's my goal ? My aim ? I don't have an answer for that. Why do I choose medicine in the first place. Because its a field where smart person go to and I want to prove that I'm smart, but now I realized that no I'm not smart or hardworking. OK maybe I'm not as hardworking as some people but at least I tried, at least I give the effort, and then why some other people that literally do nothing can achieve more than you ? They said luck is like an elevator. You will reach your destination faster but stairs will bring you to the same destination but just require more time and effort. The question here is, why can't I take the elevator too , why other people can but u can't ? So depressing right.

Back to my aim in life. Really... I'm not very sure anymore. Maybe because life is too easy for me before this. And then now its like... Yeah... It really feels good being rich but my journey to being rich its like a thousand million miles away and requires hell lot of effort and time. Yeah... It feels good helping people too but there's always people who can't be helped ! How many people can you help ? With the limited knowledge you have and everything , I mean, what can you do ? I don't know, I'm too lazy to want anything.

Yeah... Success feels good but omg how many times do I need to fall to reach my destination.

I don't need a roller coaster ride. I want my life to be peaceful and simple. I understand everyone has their own problem, we just need to suck it up. Alright alright, enough of complaining. Feel slightly better now. Complaining about life made me feel how I took everything for granted , try them 😅

Life is fair because its unfair to everybody.
#word

Heart still aches whenever I see your friends posted about you. I read back our messages today, good thing there is Facebook. But there are so many so many stuffs we used to text each other and honestly I really cannot remember the contents already.

For all the times I said I hated you and I
scolded you and I ask you to leave me alone.
You still came back for me ... You said you felt special about me, you said you are happy I'm in your life. But I felt that I only brought you misery and disappointment.

You said that you will settle down at the age of 27, you said that you wanna see me ever since we departed, and I told you that you could see me soon, after I graduated. And I never ever ever thought we wouldn't meet each other anymore. I remembered the last time I met you I was in a levels and you, you were in a road accident also few days back that time, and you injured your jaw and yet you still accompany me eating McDonalds

I'm glad we are in good terms before you leave I'm glad I had the opportunity to apologize to you

I can never treat you like how you treated me. I can never treat anyone like how you treated me

Thx for being in my life. Thx for everything you gave , you made me feel...

today a good friend of mine passed away,
4pm at the age of 23
I still couldn't believe my eyes when I see the news .

How can this happen ? He haven't done anything bad at all, he is a good guy and yet He take him away so soon.

For all the times I broke your heart, I disappoint you, I took everything you wanted to do for me for granted
For all the times I ignored you, angry of you,
said I'll meet u but didn't
For all the times I think that you are clingy but its just your way to show that you really appreciate our friendship more than anyone .

I wanna apologize for everything I did but its too late . You are no longer here anymore.

I really thought I'll see you soon. I really thought I will see you find a girl you love one day and love you so much in return, I thought one day I'll see you get married and have  kids and live happily ever after and I'll be so happy for you but that day wouldn't come anymore.

I hope u r ok now wherever u r , I hope u r in heaven , I hope u have peace

You will always, always be missed.
Rest in peace.